Thought embargo

February 10th, 2012 | Tags: , ,

Grad school is taking its toll. Most of my days are spent putting off grad work or doing grad work. And by putting it off I’m usually thinking about it but not writing. So, video games, which I know I must swear off at some point, or television, which I also know I must swear off. I’m learning the hard way to say ‘no’ to just about every social activity imaginable, because it’s time I need to be spending working on grad school. I backed out of the tutoring gig for similar reasons–without medication, I have much more of a time burden than I really want. And so it becomes unrealistic to think that I can just pop off to a party and also expect to finish any given task the next day.

Which means I’ve had to embargo thoughts, put a stop to the free-wheeling bubble machine that it my brain. And that’s no good, because they’re still here. I still dream of the worlds in my head, I still dream of the things that might be. Not getting them out on papaer is driving me crazy. Focus on any one subject feels nigh impossible, and yet that’s what I’m supposed to do. So I have a black market of ideas. I write little scenes in my notebook while the professor is lecturing in my class. I think about the necessities of history when I’m staring at my online class Web site, and every time I read about a new exoplanet I get a little thrill from the denizens of the one in my head. I need to get it out, and I don’t know how I’ll find the time. I thought I would have more time when I left the clinic to write and do other efforts of the mind, but it seems that is a delusion.

Still not giving up.

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